Wario's Christmas Carol
by Starberry Shortcake
Summary: It's no secret that Wario isn't exactly the easiest guy in the world to get along with. But with the help of his friends and three strangely familiar ghosts, can the greediest guy in the Mushroom Kingdom learn how to have a not-so-rotten Christmas?
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1**

What was it about Christmas that turned everybody into such idiots?! Wario huffed as he turned away from the window, marching into his bedroom and throwing open the door of his closet. There was no reason to have snow in Diamond City! The weather was perfectly fine just the way it was!

He lifted up another discarded shirt, and there were his regular blue work shoes. He grabbed them and stormed out of his closet, grumbling as he went over to his bed and plopped down on the edge of it. He wasn't about to waste his money buying winter clothes when as soon as Dr. Crygor turned off that stupid machine, it would all melt away and Diamond City would be just as warm and sunny as it ever was! Hopefully that would be right after Christmas. Wario laughed as he pulled on his other shoe. Maybe something would happen to it before then that would keep it from working. It would serve the old man right, interfering with Wario's technology!

He pushed himself up and headed towards the front door, his stomach turning at the imaginary sensation of cold wind and freezing snowflakes seeping through his clothes. He roughly shoved it away as he grabbed the doorknob. He was a man! He could handle this!

He opened the door and nearly slammed it again as a blast of freezing cold wind chilled him to the bone. Gritting his teeth, he forced one foot in front of the other as he stepped outside and slammed the door shut behind him. His fingers already stinging with cold, he pulled his house key out of his pocket and turned to lock the door. He was going to have a serious discussion with Dr. Crygor the minute he got to WarioWare, Inc.!

By the time he got into the city proper, Wario was so numb he half-expected to see ice crystals forming on his clothes. Too bad ice crystals weren't worth anything. And was it just him, or were all the usual Christmas decorations like lights wrapped around the trunks of palm trees and giant fake candy canes even more obnoxious than usual? Suddenly something slammed into his stomach so hard it forced the air out of his lungs, and the next thing he knew his eardrums were being ruptured by some screaming kid.

The sled struck something hard, and Wario was spinning through the air, icy cold snow sinking its teeth into him as he landed flat on his back in a snowdrift. Slowly, the world around him turned red as he pushed himself upright, his blood boiling so hot it nearly blocked the cold.

"Umm...Mister?" a whiny voice next to him asked. "Are you okay?"

The kid it belonged to flinched away as Wario turned to him, his stupid little mouth gaping in horror at what must have been a very terrifying expression. Wario growled somewhere deep in his throat, images of the Abominable Snowman popping into his mind. Selecting the scariest one he could think of, Wario did his best imitation and roared at the top of his lungs.

The kid shrieked again and scrambled to his feet, slipping and sliding on the icy sidewalk as he took off down the street, screaming for his mommy.

Smirking, Wario stood up, threw back his head, and laughed. Served that little brat right, thinking he could run over Wario!

A piece of wood sticking up out of the snowdrift caught his attention. Raising his eyebrows, Wario grabbed hold of it and pulled. Out came the sled, cold and slightly wet but otherwise none the worse for wear. Wario's smirk widened. No use in letting a perfectly good sled go to waste!

Setting it back down on the street, Wario aimed it in the direction of WarioWare, Inc. and taking a deep breath, he began to run and push it down the street. The wind whipped harder as he picked up speed, but this would be much faster than walking to work! At last he jumped up on it and sat back as the sled went whizzing down the street towards the familiar yellow building, the big purple 'W' on the front of it gleaming proudly in what little sunlight was poking through the clouds. But where did all these people come from?

"GET OUT OF MY WAY, YOU KNUCKLEHEADS!"

The pedestrians screamed and did as Wario demanded, jumping out of his way like Cheep-Cheeps jumping up out of the water. Some of them moved slower than others, and Wario had to use some skillful maneuvering to keep from hitting them, but Wario found himself laughing as the sled slid to a stop in front of his company; what would the trip home be like?!

Feeling somehow warmer inside, Wario hoisted the sled up over his shoulder and started up the front steps toward the double doors. He could keep the sled until this whole snow business blew over, and then he would sell it for a nice profit!

Speaking of profit, he could almost see his employees now, hard at work on whatever microgames they were making—microgames that were sure to make him a lot of money! He pulled open one of the doors and stopped dead in his tracks. There were his workers, all right; standing around in the break room with steaming mugs of hot chocolate!

Were his eyes deceiving him? They must be! Wario didn't tell his employees they could put up a Christmas tree and decorate it, or hang wreaths and garlands everywhere! Was that a buffet table?!

"Hey, look, everybody!" An all-too-familiar high-pitched voice grated on Wario's ears.

Oh, no. Not him. ANYBODY but HIM...

The crowd of Wario's workers parted and sure enough, there stood Mario in a Santa Claus outfit, white beard and all, with a stupid smile on his stupid face.

"It's Wario!"

"MERRY CHRISTMAS!" The whole room burst into cheers and applause, and Wario's head began to pound in time with their noisy clapping.

"And a Hop-Hop-Hoppy New Year!" Mario apparently couldn't resist adding, doing a fancy little jump each time he said the word 'hop'. "Woo-hoo!"

Once again, the world turned as red as Mario's Santa Claus suit, and if Wario could shoot fire out of his eyeballs, he would roast the little idiot to a crisp.

"NO!"

Wario let the sled fall to the ground with a thud as he stormed across the room and jabbed his finger in Mario's chest.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?!"

Mario's eyes widened, and his smile slipped off his face like snow slipping off a rooftop.

"I-I came to invite you to the Christmas party!" He dug around in the big Santa bag he had slung over his shoulder and pulled out a light pink envelope with a darker pink ribbon tied around it like a present.

"WHAT CHRISTMAS PARTY?!" Wario snatched the envelope out of Mario's hand and tore the ribbon off, catching a strong whiff of peaches as he ripped open the envelope and pulled out a fancy white invitation trimmed with dark pink and holly designs. Written with green ink in fancy cursive handwriting were the words:

 _Dear Friend,_

 _Her Royal Highness, Princess Peach of the Mushroom Kingdom,_

 _cordially invites you to attend a_

 _Christmas Celebration_

 _at her Castle on the evening of December 25th at 6:00_

"The one at Princess Peach's castle." Mario craned his neck over the invitation and tried to peek into the envelope. "There should be a map in there, too, with a bunch of different directions mapped out on it, but you probably already know how to get to the ca—"

"Yeah, yeah! Shut up!" Wario waved his hand, and the annoying babbling stopped. Mario was frowning, but he would just have to get over it. Wario remembered how to get to the castle; the question was, did he want to go? "Will there be presents?"

"Uh, yeah." Mario reached into his Santa bag and pulled out a clipboard and a pencil. "That's actually one of the things I was supposed to ask you. See, the princess is doing this Secret Santa thing where we take down the names of everybody who wants to be involved, and then tomorrow night we're going to cut them out and put them in a big hat and shake them around and around!" Mario shook his clipboard around enthusiastically, and it took all of Wario's strength to keep his hands from reaching out and grabbing the thing and whacking Mario over the head with it. "Then, we draw the names out randomly and give them to people, and whoever's name you wind up with, that's who you get to pick a gift out for from this big pile!"

Mario spread his arms wide and smiled like a kid showing off his latest mud pie to whoever would look at it.

"Doesn't that sound like fun?!"

"No." That strangely warm feeling returned as once again that stupid smile slid right off Mario's face. "Not unless I'm the one getting all the presents!"

"Wario!" Mario's arms fell to his sides like limp noodles as he stared at Wario with his mouth hanging open. "You can't get all the presents! There wouldn't be any left for anybody else!"

"Good!" Wario smirked at the horror on Mario's face. "There don't need to be any presents for anybody else!"

"Wha...yes, there does!" Mario straightened up and frowned deeply. "That's the whole point! To give something to somebody else to make them happy!"

UGH. Wario rolled his eyes as far back in his head as he could and blew one of his signature raspberries.

"I don't care about making anybody else happy! I only care about ME! ME, ME, ME!"

Wario laughed as Mario's grip tightened on the clipboard and pencil. What did he think he was going to do?

"Aww, don't listen to him, Mario!" Mona came up out of nowhere just then and placed a hand on Mario's shoulder. "He's just being a greedy punk, as usual!"

The eighteen-year-old glared at Wario, and he raised his eyebrows and glared back. She had a lot of nerve, talking to her boss like that!

Mario relaxed, and it was as if all the Christmas spirit had been squashed right out of him. Even his Santa Claus hat seemed to droop more than it was supposed to.

"Well, you're invited if you want to come." The hero of the Mushroom Kingdom's voice was mercifully quieter and less cheerful now. "Waluigi is, too."

He reached into his Santa bag once more and pulled out another envelope, which Wario promptly snatched.

"I don't suppose Waluigi would want to be a Secret Santa, either?"

"Probably not." Wario shrugged. Who could tell with that weirdo?

"Well, if he does, I guess we could always write his name down tomorrow." Mario turned to the rest of the crowd. "I guess I'll see you guys tomorrow night?"

Wario rolled his eyes again as everyone agreed they would go to the party. What losers. Then again, he might just go for the free food...wait a minute. There was going to be a PILE of presents at that party, and if how often Bowser kidnapped the princess was any indication, the castle must not have very good security...

"WOO-HOO!" The return of the big-mouthed, too-happy idiot blasted Wario out of his thoughts. "Great! I'll see you all then!"

"Bye!" Everyone waved as Mario finally ran towards the door.

"And Merry Christmas!" Santa Claus Mario called as he left.

"Merry Christmas!"

At last the building was quiet, and Wario could let his ringing ears rest. Suddenly jazzy, big band Christmas music filled the air, along with the rumbling chatter of workers who were standing around doing nothing when there was work to be doing!

"And what do you all think you're doing?!" Wario glared as hard as he could at everyone. "GET BACK TO WORK!"

"But Boss!" Mona set her cup of hot chocolate down on a table and put her hands on her hips. "It's Christmas Eve!"

"I SAID GET BACK TO WORK!"

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 **Author's Note: Apologies if my attempt to use a single line break failed; I have to use a mobile phone to write and upload, so yeah. :P This is an idea I've had for a while now, and I wanted to see how it would pan out. Next chapter hopefully coming soon! Also, credit for cover image goes to the original artist, and I do not own the Mario series!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

Pain shot through Wario's ears as his office began to ring. The world was a blur as he swiveled his head all around, until finally the clock on the wall came clearly into view. 4:00.

Sighing, Wario reached underneath his desk and pulled out the Com-Mic, wincing as a sharp pain shot up his neck. He had to come up with a better way of sleeping in his office. Propping his head up with his gloved hand, he pressed the big red button on the base of the microphone.

"Work day's over! Everybody go home!"

Wario leaned back in his chair and stretched his arms behind his head. Pain that was somehow pleasant this time shot from his neck all the way down his back, and he let out another sigh. Outside the window, it was just starting to get dark, and snowflakes were still drifting lazily down from those stupid clouds coming from Dr. Crygor's stupid machine. Wario grimaced. It was going to be another long cold walk through the—wait a minute. No, it wasn't.

Wario pushed his chair back and turned towards the sled that was waiting for him beside his desk. An image of the kid he had stolen it from screaming flashed into his mind, and Wario smirked. Served him right...served him right...

Hoisting the sled over his shoulder, Wario trudged to the window and placed a hand on the cold glass to steady himself. Down on the street below, Mona's red scooter went zipping off into the distance; how was she able to control that thing on the ice? 9-Volt was running after her...wait, no, he wasn't. 18-Volt appeared, and the two high-fived each other before they started doing some weird dance walk down the street. Penny and Dr. Crygor had their arms wrapped around each other as they headed for home. Wario mentally smacked himself on the forehead. He had forgotten to have that little talk with Dr. Crygor about the Winter Weather Machine. Eh, well.

Wario watched until the last employee was safely out of sight, then he got on his private elevator and rode down to the first floor. As the elevator dinged open, Wario winced. It was like Christmas threw up all over his precious company. His employees hadn't even been considerate enough to take down their stupid decorations! Well, first thing tomorrow, one of them was going to! Wario would make sure of that!

Reaching the front door, Wario took a deep breath and braced himself. Once again, icy cold wind pierced him like a sword as he stepped out into the snow. He hurried down the steps and positioned his sled, taking another run and go before jumping on and whizzing down the street like a speeding Bullet Bill.

Only a few pedestrians had to jump out of his way this time, but little golden glints on the ice kept catching Wario's attention. Wait a minute...those were COINS!

Throwing back his head and laughing, Wario steered the sled towards the dropped money and collected as much of it as he could all the way home. He even managed to snag a diamond or two!

As the sled slid to a stop in front of his house, Wario carefully stored all his new treasure in his pockets before hoisting the sled one more time up to his front door. He pulled his house key out of his pocket, and let out a huff as it slipped out of his icy fingers and landed on the front stoop. Grumbling, he bent over and picked it up, the sled's runners digging into his shoulder blades. He straightened up, and some hook-nosed creature with lanky arms and legs towered over him in the doorway.

Wario and the thing screamed at the same time, and the next thing he knew he had flipped backwards over the sled and was laying flat on his back on the stoop. That thing was Waluigi, that skinny walking beanpole!

"WALUIGI?!"

"Yeah!" Waluigi raised his eyebrows and curled his lip as Wario got to his feet. "Who did you think it was; the Abominable Snowman?!"

"SHUT UP!" Wario shoved past Waluigi and stepped inside. Who did that idiot think he was, trying to scare Wario like that?!

"YOU SHUT UP!" Waluigi slammed the door shut as Wario dumped his new sled by his favorite armchair and headed for the kitchen.

"YOU'RE INVITED TO A CHRISTMAS PARTY!" Wario took the unopened envelope out of his pocket and thrust it at Mr. Beanpole.

"WHAT CHRISTMAS PARTY?!"

Wario's stomach sank to his feet as Waluigi took the envelope and opened it. Why did he do that?! If he had kept his big mouth shut, he could have gone to the party by himself and stolen all the presents without having to worry about sharing with an accomplice! Then again, it would be nice to have a scapegoat if things didn't work out according to plan, and who said he had to share, anyway?

"Princess Peach's castle?" Waluigi looked up from the invitation and raised his eyebrows.

"Yeah." Wario got his favorite snack bowl out of the cupboard and began to fill it with all sorts of sweet-smelling cakes and doughnuts and whatever else he could find to eat.

"Did you get invited, too?" There was a smirk in Waluigi's voice, and Wario rolled his eyes as he headed for his armchair. Like Waluigi would get an invitation somewhere and Wario WOULDN'T get one!

"Of course I did, stupid!" Wario heaved a huge sigh as he settled into his chair and turned the TV on. Ah, yes! The Three Goombas were on!

As Gary, George, and Gurgly beat each other up on-screen, Waluigi shot Wario a dirty look as he went to hunker down in his pathetic little armchair.

"So, are we going?"

"Yeah, I guess so." Wario stuffed a doughnut into his mouth, savoring it's sweet, sticky, chewy goodness. "I'M going to steal all those PRESENTS!"

"PRESENTS?!" Waluigi's eyes bugged out of his head so much, Wario half-expected them to fall out on the floor. He smirked as the image of Waluigi crawling around on the floor looking for his eyeballs came into his mind. "You didn't tell me there were going to be PRESENTS!"

"There has to be! It's a Christmas party!" Wario could almost see himself sitting on top of a mountain of presents; all different shapes and sizes, and each one worth more than the last! "And I'm going to get them all!"

"Hey! What about me?!" A familiar frown crossed Waluigi's face. Oh, no. Not another one of these rants!

"Yeah, yeah! Sure! Whatever!" Wario waved him off, and Waluigi thankfully sat back in his seat and crossed his arms. Just as long as he wasn't going ON and ON about how everybody got presents but him, blah, blah, blah...

A few hours went by, and after The Three Goombas went off for the night, it was time to turn to the Business and Finance Channel before bed.

"Well," Waluigi stood up and stretched, "I'm going to bed." He smirked as he turned to Wario. "Have a rotten night!"

Waluigi cackled as Wario glared at him. Oh, he thought he was so funny, stealing Wario's catchphrase!

"You, too!" Wario blew the biggest raspberry he could in Waluigi's direction as Mr. Beanpole went to his makeshift room in the garage.

Come to think of it, getting ready for bed didn't seem like such a bad idea. The smooth softness of Wario's yellow and purple striped pajamas would be nice right about now.

Wario picked up his empty snack bowl and as he put it in the dishwasher so he wouldn't have to deal with cleaning it himself, he caught a bright flash of gold out of the corner of his eyes. His hands went to his pockets as he turned back toward the living room. Had he dropped some of his new treasure?

He carefully counted the precious coins, turning each one over in his hands and allowing himself to indulge in the warm sense of safety they provided. They were all there, every last one—the diamonds, too. Maybe he was just seeing things...

Wario shook his head and continued to his room, where he carefully put his new treasure away with the rest of the treasure he had accumulated over the years. He counted it all multiple times before, satisfied, he went to change into his pajamas.

There was a strange rattling noise coming from the living room. It was probably just the wind or something, and Wario tried to ignore it, but the more he heard it, the more it sounded like a doorknob rattling. When he finally stepped out of his room, his stomach turned to ice. The front doorknob WAS turning—somebody was trying to get in! SOMEBODY THAT WAS TRYING TO STEAL WARIO'S TREASURE, TOO, NO DOUBT!

Wario clenched his jaw and raised his fists in a fighting stance. HOW DARE THEY?! HE WOULD SHOW THEM WHO WAS BOSS!

The doorknob clicked, and the door slowly creaked open to reveal what looked like a glowing ball of gold with a very feminine face. It, or she, whatever she was, had a star shining right above her head. Wario lowered his fists as she opened her beady eyes and stared at him.

"HELLO YELLO!"

Wario didn't know what he was expecting, but it sure wasn't the high-pitched, squeaky, slightly raspy voice that came out of the weird little creature.

"Man, it's hard to open a door without hands..."

She must have opened the door with her feet, which were covered with shiny brown shoes like a Goomba's. Wario's stomach tightened as she flew further into the room, the little star floating above her head flashing orange and yellow as her beady black eyes surveyed Wario's house as though she was thinking about buying it.

"WHO ARE YOU?! WHAT DO YOU WANT?!"

The creature jumped and blinked at Wario, her little mouth forming an 'o'.

"Who am I?" She tilted herself to one side and frowned. Then her eyes flashed with realization. "Oh, silly me! I forgot to introduce myself!"

She gave a sweet, toothy smile. "I'm Starlow, Representative of the Star Spirits! Usually I act as a guide for heroes on their quests, but tonight I'm acting as a messenger!"

Her face suddenly grew serious—well, as serious as a cutesy ball of gold's face could be, anyway.

"You will be visited by three ghosts, Wario!"

"WHAT?!" Wario's stomach dropped to his feet, and his face began to flame. "WHY?!"

"WHY?!" Wario flinched as the little thing's voice cut into his ears. How was she able to yell that loud?! "BECAUSE YOU'RE A JERK, THAT'S WHY!"

She cleared her throat, and her expression relaxed.

"I mean, SERIOUSLY! Stealing a little kid's sled, calling everybody stupid, NOT letting your employees have a Christmas party...WHAT IN THE WORLD IS THE MATTER WITH YOU?!"

Wario opened his mouth to tell this little gold-ball that there was NOTHING wrong with him, but she cut him off.

"Well, whatever." She curled her lip as she stared at Wario like he was last week's moldy doughnut. "I've done what I came here to do, so I guess I'll be on my way."

"HEY, WAIT!" Wario's yelling fell on deaf ears as the little thing flew to the door.

"Expect the first ghost tomorrow when the clock strikes one." She turned, her expression the same as Wario's anger grew hotter and hotter. He didn't want any ghosts to come and visit him!

"BUT—"

"Expect the second one the next night at the same hour."

What if they tried to take the presents he planned on stealing?!

"I SAID—"

"The third one will come the next night after the last stroke of twelve." The little thing turned away towards the outside world of cold and snow. "Goodbye, Wario."

Before he had a chance to yell at her any more, she was gone in a flash of gold and white.

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 **Author's Note: Phew! This chapter was hard to write! Wario's such a hot-headed character, isn't he? D: Thanks for the follow and the review, guys! I'm trying to keep everyone as in-character as possible, and keep all the situations as feasible in the Mario universe as I can, because I want this story to feel like something Nintendo would actually do, whether it be in a game, a cutscene, or even a full-fledged cartoon! I've still got a lot of work to do; this next chapter is going to be very interesting. ;)**


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